I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I would ride that face into the sunset
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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