Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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