Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just sucked dick on a ferry
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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