So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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