I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
