Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
