if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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