Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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