a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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