Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
