I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
if only i could text you this smell
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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