You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
