The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
