I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
