Can i not drive my cunt home
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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