There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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