I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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