I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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