I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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