I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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