He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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