as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize