I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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