You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
