All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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