she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
