I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
This show inspires me to have sex in space
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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