did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
