My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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