Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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