his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
