Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
