You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
