her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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