I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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