as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
