2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
