the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
