I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
