Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
