If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize