I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
