life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize