Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
