I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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