I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
