i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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