Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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