Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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