I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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