I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
