And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize