Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
