You made me cry and you don't even care
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize