Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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