so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
