Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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