I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
