no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
