Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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