I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
