dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
