mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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