is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
