well I can't set my house on fire every night
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
