just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
