It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
We left the knife in your bed.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize