you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
