I just saw a hot homeless man
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
