I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Pants are for mortals
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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