I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Randomize
