I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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