I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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